Why I’m Not Seeking Medical Transition

Cisgender (non-trans) men do not embody the standard of manhood, so I don’t need their hormones or their contours to feel tolerably masculine. If I am as legitimately masculine as any cis man, my body is just as good a template for what men should be as any cis man. It makes as much sense to expect cisgender men to take estrogen to acquire features similar to mine as it does to expect me to take testosterone to acquire features similar to cismen. Of course, we know that bodies, shapes, and hormone levels do not define gender. Only one criterion need be met to be a man: a person must self-identify as a man.

The normative transmasculine medical transition process goes something like this: first a change to a normatively masculine name, pronouns, and clothing accompanied by binding to convince a cisgender medical professional that the person should have access to medical transition. Next, folks start taking testosterone (T), then save up for a few years and have chest surgery. I think any of those actions should be readily available to everyone who wants to access some or all available medical transition. However, I wish that as trans people, we could decide together to honor everyone’s genders and identities without pushing them in any particular direction. I am not choosing to access medical transition, and even trans people can be quite inquisitive about my path. Sometimes the expectation of a normative trans trajectory is implied in their questions: “How far along are you in the process?” Other times it’s less veiled: “Why aren’t you taking T?” The simple answer is I don’t want to.

As I’ve mentioned, I think my body is a perfectly masculine body just the way I am. I love and feel at home in my self. Additionally, the effects of testosterone would be detrimental to my mental health. I don’t want to grow thicker hair all over my face and body; it sounds like a pain to deal with. Singing is how I express myself, connect with others, and cope with heartbreak. If I took T, it would destroy my singing voice. I know there are many singers on T, and people have tried to convince me that I could sing just fine with a lower voice. Maybe I could sing beautifully on T, but the voice that I love and recognize as an integral part of myself is high-pitched. I am no little mermaid, and I won’t be giving up my voice for any man. T would change the fat distribution on my body, and I like having thicker hips and thighs than cis guys. My ass looks too hot in jeans for me to even deprive myself and the world of that sight. Not having a period might be nice, but it’s not worth the other losses. Also, I enjoy tracking my cycle and watching as it syncs up with other period-havers near me. So, I’m not seeking medical transition because it would have no physical effects I desire, and a lot of effects that would destroy some of my most cherished parts of myself.

Despite my strong love for myself the way I am, I consider taking T almost daily. If folks saw normative cis guy features on me, like a beard and a more pronounced jaw, they might be more respectful about my gender identity. The trade-off would be that I would feel terrible about my T-infused body, but perhaps not feel uncomfortable about the way other people assign my gender most of the time. If I have to choose, I would rather be comfortable in my own skin than be comfortable with the brands others want to burn into it. The social benefits do not outweigh the psychological damage T would do to me.

Even the few social benefits of T would be reduced because I am actually not interested in passing. I am interested in safety and people referring to me by my preferred gender indicators, but I don’t want people to think I’m a cisgender man. Passing male privilege might make me into a prick if I was able to get it. To have my thoughts and words valued above women and other trans people through dude privilege is not appealing to me. I don’t want folks to defer to me at others’ expense because of my gender.

To be fully honest, I love myself, but I still allow myself to accept dominant cultural body hatred sometimes.   Any love that I have for myself and my trans body is the product of hard work to purge internalized self-destructive thoughts and feelings. I have chosen to love the cellulite on the back of my thighs. Every time I catch myself disliking the shape of my body, I have to rein myself back in the self-affirming direction. I chose to accept my soft chest as a man’s chest. I fought hard against every ingrained expectation to believe with my cerebrum what the rest of me already knew: I am a man, with all a man’s parts.

It has been work to get to a place where I love myself so much, and that self-love is enabled by privileges I experience. I’m white, blonde-haired, and thin, three things that dominant oppressive beauty standards uphold as universally desirable. I also have a temporary disability that is not always visible, and most people view me as a normatively able-bodied person. Except for being trans, in a fatphobic, racist, ableist society my body is generally perceived as desirable because of my race, size, and perceived physical ability. Those privileged experiences inform the experience of having a trans body. In addition, I think having a small chest makes it easier for me to not have to bind or consider surgery. I don’t know what people notice when they look at me and call me “ma’am” or “she,” but it sure isn’t my chest.

I am not seeking medical transition, because I love my body the way I am. I think other people ought to believe me when I describe my experiences and use the name and pronouns I prefer whether or not I decide to inject myself with hormones or have major surgery.  For other trans people, I hope we as a community can affirm each other’s choices and identities.  I hope we can make space for everyone’s body experience, and their choices, whether and however they decide to modify themselves.

Tags: trans, transgender, ftm, man, feminism, genderqueer, queer, gender, gender presentation, feminist, transphobia, cisgender, cissexist, privilege, male-bodied, preferred gender pronouns, trans ally, body love, self-determination, experience, presentation, transman, men, racism, cultural criticism, masculinity, white, whiteness, white privilege, cissexism, gender identity, internalized oppression, testosterone, top surgery, sizeism